BODEGA BOYS SECRET LEAFLET
THE DR. ZIZMOR INTERVIEW
New York can be a harsh city. It's harsh on your wallet and harsh on your kiester. But mainly, new york is harsh on the skin. That's right, your biggest organ. The epidermis. The most visible of body parts. Your biggest asset as a new yorker is having perfect glowing skin that everyone will be jealous of. Because in the land of the rashy, the man with golden skin is king. No one in new york knows skin better than Dr. Zizmor, MD. When the rich and blemished want to look their best, they call the good doctor. He's been scraping the mealy hulls of midtown housewives for thirty plus years. When he agreed to do an interview with BodegaBoys.com we were a little embarrassed.. we couldn't find anything on the guy before 1979. NOTHING. No birth certificate, no dental records, no baby pictures. I personally visited the "hospital" in which he claims to have been born and there is a taco bell at that address. So we hope he can set the record straight. He refused to let us meet in his clinic, instead he insisted on giving the interview riding in his limousine around Columbus circle.
BB: What are the benefits of using all-natural and fruit enzyme based skin treatment technology?
DZ: Cut the shit scoop, I know what you want . You want to hear about me and charlie in the jungle days. I know you've been digging up dirt on me, jack, so I want you to hear my side of the story before you do something stupid... I have a lot of powerful friends.
BB: Well, we have been doing some research into.... wait do you mean Charlie Manson?
DZ:Or jesus christ, as some people called him. The smart ones anyway...
BB: So you ran with the family?
DZ: I wasn't in the family, no, charlie knew it was better to keep me on the outside. I was the supplier
BB: So you got them drugs in exchange for money?
DZ: Shit, money? I was neck deep in jane fondas teenage pussy. I had everything. And it wasnt drugs, not at first anyway. It was charlies special medicated acne cream. Rarest shit on earth. They made it from baby penguin brains. Cost a fortune. I was the only guy in the states with a connec. That was the life. But that isn't saying things didnt get ugly. It was just.. a different time, dig?
BB: Thats incredible... What do you mean by things getting ugly?
DZ: One time I had to resuscitate Cybl Sheppard with a car battery and some speaker wire after she accidentally od'd on cocoa butter. Another time, I had to give this cartel boss a rim job because I defaulted on a payment of some *ahem* Columbian baby powder..
BB: Right, I get it. You mean cocaine.
DZ: No, I meant baby powder. I use a ton of it in my practice.
† Oliver Vonderahe
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Two Tons O' Fun - Do you wanna boogie // Hunh Dynasty - I Don't Wanna Be A Freak // Debut de Soiree - Nuit De Polie // Wish Key - Orient Express // Scotch - Man to Man // Moon Birds - Cosmos Nº1 // Ramming Speed - When You Walk In The Room // Electronic System - Back Home // Pink Lady - Strangers When We Kiss // Desireless - Voyage Voyage // D. D. Sound - She's Not a Disco Lady // Hot Blood - Soul Dracula // Munich Machine - Love Fever // Disconnection - Straight Up // Sparks - Popularity // Divine - T Shirts and Tight Blue Jeans // Neoton Family - Family Superman // Lime - No Reply // A Split Second - Flesh // Rockets - Legion of Aliens † MVSCLZ
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MORE AMAZING NEW BREAKTHROUGHS IN SCIENCE
You know the big green craze a million years ago? We started that whole eco-friendly bandwagon back in the Psychedelic Sixties with all the other hippies. We hired this lady Darla to head up our Web Emissions and Internet Recycling Department, better known as WEIRD. This one really stupid product she developed called Emo Grass The Grass That Cuts Itsself, it's actually just plastic. We forgot to add one of those choking hazard thingies on the label. I know, huge mistake! All of the ground cover you see in New York is our handy work, yeah, we're pretty huge. Ouch, I'm sorry, I hate when people say things like that, like we're pretty huge. God I'm a jackass. Office humor is so, like, Friends now! Anyway, this old-ass intern and her fucking retarded baby, I mean that retard WATERING HER FUCKING CAR, died from Emo Grass lung damage. As usual, we learned a lesson the hard way! It was so M. Night without the Shyamalan. Zombie Darla and her stupid ghostly baby haunted our offices for two months whistling the jingle for Emo Grass. Luckily Oliver, Merlin, and I are in a silent band, The Ghost Whisperers. I'm sure you can figure out the rest. We whispered her ass straight to hell. † Julian Duron
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